11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
You Might Also Like
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Do not steal food from the science building!
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy