Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Ha.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.