Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
You Might Also Like
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.