Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work