I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Namaste
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did