Always…
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Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Why soy sad?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.