We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.