If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
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Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Yoga Matt
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
The first matador
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’