Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Oh no
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
So the ex texted me
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you