Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
When someone says you are so lazy
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Bike for sale
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”