There’s always that one guy
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me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
so weird how every mom was born today
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I love twitter
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
black phone good
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?