Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.