My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
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Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Imma just leave this here…………
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.