Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
You Might Also Like
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
⛄️
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?