The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
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applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Two types of dogs.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.