It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
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House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.