Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
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My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Solving a traffic jam
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school