Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.