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Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point