*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
WHO DID THIS?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon