8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.