ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.