Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
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Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
i wish i could marry a nap
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
December birthdays be like…
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.