The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*