Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
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“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does