me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
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I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
then why did i get this email
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Breaking news:
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?