This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
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I would move hell over six inches for you
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow