[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Social Media and Real life
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing