My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
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Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.