“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
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Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”