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A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.