If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
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The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.