me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
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ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date