I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
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More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
🤣