god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.