In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
You Might Also Like
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.