Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
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Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
all that yoga finally paid off
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis