without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
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Well. That’s not a good sign.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*