I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
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Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
necessity is the mother of invention
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Basically.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.