i’m sure it’s fine
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Yes
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle