“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
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i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last