I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
No laws when master is gone
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Something Saturday.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉