Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
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Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Mad Max: Furry Road