ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
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Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”