I’m not wrong
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much