You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
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Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I’m Sold!
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I’m calling the cops.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
what does he know…
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not