“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
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Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Breaking news:
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.