Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
You Might Also Like
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids