I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
You Might Also Like
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th