I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
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Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
choose your gary
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
synchronized noseblowing
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one